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The surname
of the Reverend Henry on the outside of this folded letter resists decipherment
and, as chance would have it, the online list of Vicars of Burnham stops before
1820. His wife Augusta signs with initials only. Any help appreciated.
Henry has
written to Augusta who has taken the children to Worthing for a short holiday
and Augusta writes back; he is aggrieved and she both seeks to placate him and
not deny her own grievances. He is seriously religious and she doesn’t come up
to the mark; perhaps he views Worthing as a fleshpot though even in 1820 that
would probably not have been as true as it was of nearby Brighton. I come down
on her side for one reason: on receipt of her letter (or sometime later) he
docketed it as if it was a business letter - see my illustration.
Transcription
WORTHING
postmark
Addressed
To The Revd
Henry xxxxxx Burnham Maidenhead Berks
I promised you
to write today dear Henry and I will tho’ you will probably receive it only a
few hours before I see you. I rejoice to hear all is well at home but feel too
much occupied by the rest of your letter to dwell on anything besides. Tho’ you
tell me you feel kindly tenderly for me there is apparent so much that you do
not like, the whole line of my conduct seems to forcibly [?] different from
your wish, that my heart sinks & my mind is filled with alarm – you will
start here and that this is my way of taking your suggestions and that my pride
revolts at being told I am wrong. Far from it. I wish to know how I stand tho’
mortified to find the truth, still I must be wrong but where to begin I know
not. I look back to the last ten days and cannot believe that this alone could
cause what you have written, besides unless I am most abismally blind to my own
faults I really know not wherein I have been wrong except in not sooner seeking
an explanation from you but you perpetually foiled the question by expressions & looks of returning
confidence & kindness and I have trusted all would again be harmonious
without any scene, and ignorant & blind as I may be, believed at least that
I speak the truth when I say that I felt you alone were in fault and from
delicacy hesitated to press you at a time when I knew you were so much harassed
& occupied with other things.
Little could
I imagine it was not the events of the moment that were causing you anxiety but
a review of what I should have called our past happy life – That while I dreamt
of peace & confidence you were lamenting that your poor Augusta was not the
wife, was not the Mother, you desired.
Once more I
must refer to your own words you say “if we are not taking pains to please we
are growing indifferent, & indifference is dangerous for it is the very
opposite of love”. I deny the charge altogether. I first awakened your
displeasure by my disappointment in not having you on this journey, was this
indifference? Had I been indifferent should I have cared. But it has ever been
my misfortune to be supposed to feel less than others. Happy would it have been
for me had it been so. You tell me again that you show more love for me by
urging me to exertions that are disagreeable but which will make me
valuable to others & precious to you, than you would by allowing me to
pursue a path that must ultimately separate our feelings from each
other. Here dearest Henry I am utterly at a loss to conceive your meaning,
what path am I pursuing, how am I acting, that the return to your wishes &
the hope of becoming valuable should be disagreeable to me.
I am little able to speak with you, much less able to write, but I would feign exculpate myself from any intentional wrong. My time & thoughts are devoted exclusively to my family & that alone is sufficiently large to occupy & interest a more enlarged mind than my own. Accomplishments I never boasted when you thought I could make you happy; but our awakened spiritual turn of mind I heartily desire and constantly pray for. Here do I fall infinitely below you & your helping hand is wanted. Look with tenderness on me who was not blessed like yourself with Religious parents anxious to lead you in the path to Heaven but who caught all serious impressions as it were by chance and tho’ I am far from thinking that any excuse for the want of spiritual disposition now when I am capable of knowing How & where to seek after those things which are alone necessary yet the early impressions & regularly formed religious habits in which you were bred will ever be wanting and make my path more difficult, but do not think I value them less - no on the contrary I covet them for my children beyond measure & would not for the worlds neglect to instil into them that which I hourly feel to be so essential & so wanting in myself.
I have filled my paper & have in some degree
relived my own heart tho’ is is impossible to feel happy until I am again at
home & I could say restored to your love but that cannot be yet in full
confidence for your opinions cannot change suddenly tho’ the kindness of your
heart may lead you to promise me peace.
Henry is
very well today but he suffered sadly yesterday & indeed all the night
before with the tooth-ache which ended in a very large swelling in his mouth
which broke before he went to bed & greatly relieved him.
We were at
Church on Sunday & Mr Irwin preached
- but I have not seen Monck nor indeed anyone. The coach goes from here
at 10 so I shall be set down at Burford Bridge at about 3 o’clock on Thursday.
The carriage came last night. Do not forget my shawl for I have nothing for the
Tilbury [an open carriage].
And now God
bless you my dearest Henry your dear Boy remembers you with the tenderest
affection as does your wife tho’ at the moment you will not readily believe it
yet have patience with a creature full of faults but whose heart at least is
right & earnest in desiring your friendship and believe that I am
Yr
affectionate AM [ or AR ]
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